Break through the glass.
My biggest problem this summer is finding a job, which for me is a typical problem. I am not that outgoing a person though I can be when I need be. My problem with finding a job is going up to the counter and asking for an application. For some reason, this really bothers me. Though I know that if I ever want a job, I will have to break through the glass that encompasses my comfort zone.
Walk. Always walk.
My feet are currently in pain since I have walked so much today. Earlier, I even had to sit down in the middle of a store, they were that sore. But I do not at all regret it. There is something about walking that is somewhat magical. At least to me. While I was walking, I felt like an adventurer. I controlled my path, nobody else. I can free my mind; get some exercise; see things I normally wouldn’t have; get stuck in the rain and laugh my way home; meet some unexpected people on the way; have fun; best of all, I control my path. Not a bus, nor a car. I can go off the path that everyone else is stuck on. I feel freer. So now I walk to get around. Definitely not as fast but a lot more rewarding.
Don’t rely on expectations.
This doesn’t really come from anything-or maybe it does and I just don’t remember-but I no longer hold expectations. Sure, I have my own fantasies and daydreams but I no longer hold them to real life. They belong to my dream world because each time I have expectations, the real world can’t even hold a candle to them. I’ve gotten used to this however and I now think of the world differently because of it.
Right now I am writing my English essay and I realized I have no idea how to write a comparative essay. I’m told it is exactly like a normal essay though I honestly do not see the resemblance. Well, maybe a bit. They are both tedious but this one takes the cake! Anyways, I realized that I should have asked more questions. Such as: how many examples of each text per paragraph? Is my thesis a good one? Do I look like I know what I’m doing? or especially, am I going to fail?
And I could have avoided all of this…
Today the literary journal at my school was released. Three of my poems were published in it! I had known about two of them because my friend is an editor, though the third one had completely surprised me! I’m so happy! I know it’s a meaningless little journal though for me it’s an accomplishment nonetheless! However, as proud of myself as I am, I am feeling a little guilty that one of my good friends’ piece wasn’t chosen. I would have gladly sacrificed a page for her… So beaming I am, though timid I also am. Now I am making a big deal out of nothing… meh
You can’t save everyone.
Yesterday, in the middle of an English test, I saw a spider on the ground and I was afraid people would shriek from fright or kill it so I picked it up with my hands and brought it outside. Then later that day, I was outside reading and a bug landed on my book. I didn’t realize it was there and accidentally squashed it with my thumb as I was turning the page. So though I saved one life, I took another. I felt mildly upset because of this. I hadn’t meant to kill it. It just happened that way. I then realized that I can’t save everyone or anything from what could happen. Things happen, or as my friend would say, such is life.
Think about your happiness.
This week there was a guy who asked me out “just as friends” but I felt he had an ulterior motive since there were a lot of hints…. Anyways, I was overwhelmed by guilt since I did not feel that way that I accidentally said yes. But then I felt guilty since I felt I was stringing him along and I didn’t like him, not even as a friend. He was the lonely kind and since I was always nice to him unlike others, I guess he saw me as a friend. Anyways, I cancelled because it was killing me. I barely go out with my best friends so why go out with someone I really don’t want to? For me it was a lesson, I have to think about my happiness first. Not all the time, of course, that would just make me selfish, but in cases like these, it is top priority.
Careful where you step.
So yesterday in gym class I either a) tripped over my own hockey stick b) tripped over some other guy’s hockey stick or c) tripped over my own two feet and badly (and I mean really really badly (my worst ever)) sprained my ankle (It’s now a multicoloured splotchy bruised and inflamed mess). Given that the odds are 2/3 my fault, I blame myself. I feel really stupid for this injury. It reminds me of the time when I was 11 and I did a cartwheel in my room and had to get 9 stitches… Yea, dumb, I know. I even had to miss my own pool party! Like I watched others enjoy themselves while they swam and I sat on the sidelines… Wow, depressing. It didn’t seem that way at the time though… Anyways, all this to say that I learnt that sometimes (well most times) it isn’t a good thing to go too quickly. Sometimes it’s better to watch, think and then do, contrary to Nike’s motto. Sometimes it isn’t better do “just do it”.
Confidence. Find a way to gain it.
No matter how many times I tell myself to just be myself, to at least try to be comfortable in my own skin and I fail miserably. For some reason I feel like people are focused on judging me harshly for my eye or my skin or anything else and I just can’t be myself. Now there’s this guy that I somewhat like and I can’t even look at him in the eye and I don’t understand why it’s so difficult. I really need to gain confidence but at the same time, I feel cocky when I am confident. I guess I should just stop judging myself so negatively. Now there’s a project I should work on…
Learn to make yourself happy.
Today I was so happy like the happiest I have been in awhile. Why? Because I received so many compliments for what to me seems like no reason at all. Then I got a reality check. Why is it that people paying me compliments makes me happy? It’s not that I’m ungrateful. Hell, if you saw me, you’d see that I’m beaming! I’m just surprised at how easily others can make you happy— of course they can injure you just as easily and it would probably hurt a lot more than your happiness gives you. So why is it that you can’t make yourself just as happy? Is it because we know ourselves too well? Or is it just me who can’t make myself happy? Anyways, I know that I must find more things that make me happy other than going for a nice run, a great workout, dancing, yoga and food. For now though, I think I’ll stick with those.